I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
