Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
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