I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
