her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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