we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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