I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
