need another drink. this is the easiest way
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
