I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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