if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
