sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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