It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
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I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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