Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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