the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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