Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
