Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
