we made out on top of his cat.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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