clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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