Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
