I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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