my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
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I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
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Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
try to milk me bitch
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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