if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
