never play flip cup with pint glasses
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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