Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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