I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
