you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Michael Bay diarrhea
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
