Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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