I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
