Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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