i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
