ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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