I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
