I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
