ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
