so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
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We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
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Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
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