saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!