Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(805): View more from California

saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Five things that make you perfect. Go.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I am too young to be this hungover

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?

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19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
Read it at the TFLN blog
(416): View more from Toronto

Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day

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(203): View more from Connecticut

We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Priorities

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(406): View more from Montana

Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!

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