I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
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Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
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I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
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