I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
