i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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