By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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