I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
