I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
