look no pants
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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