cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
birth control should be required to get into college
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
