i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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