She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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