you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
