i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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