I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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