My first STD was from a foam party
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Randomize
