I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
