Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
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He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
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This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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