I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
