The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
