it hurts more in the daytime
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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