There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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