One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
