You're my little dorito
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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